“We can’t save everyone.” He says it to you as much as he says it to himself. It’s the same thing you told him after he spent eight days without leaving his clinic. “I can’t. You can’t. And that’s okay.”
“Why?” It’s the first word you’ve spoken all evening, except it’s a dreadful whisper full of hopelessness and he can feel his heart shattering. He doesn’t know what hurts more--the guilt of failing to save another plague victim or the heartwrenching way you’re handling it. All he knows is that you’re hurting worse than him and he will do anything in his power to stop it.
“Because,” he says, “that’s too much. You already did your best. That’s all anyone can ask.”
“ No .” You spit the word and spring up from the splintered bench behind the clinic. He’s wrong. There must’ve-- must’ve -- been something more, something you missed. “If that was my best then why--” You cut yourself off, unable to finish the thought. “If I tried my best, they’d still be alive.”
“What could you have done differently? Our knowledge--for God’s sake, we don’t even know the source. ” His voice catches. There’s panic in his eyes but for your sake he pushes it down.
Your shoulders slump. “Then why try at all?”
“Because.” He’s on his feet now too. “One day you might discover the source. And then the the cure.” He lifts a hand to brush stray hair behind your ear. His touch is as gentle as his voice. “But only if you keep trying.”
You can’t shake a dark feeling. “Aren’t you looking for the cure?”
His laugh is warm and the tension in your chest eases. “I am, but in the end you’re too bright for anyone else to find it.” And then, “Hug?”
You nod and he folds his arms around you and rests his chin in your hair. You wrap your arms around his waist. This grief is a hurricane and you are each others’ anchor.
“It’s okay to be upset. I hope you know that, above everything else. It’s okay. I know it’s awful, above all when it’s someone you know.”
His words don’t erase the dark cloud in your mind. No words could. But they lift a weight from your shoulders. You cling to them. When Julian releases you from the hug some time later he catches your eyes again.
“Are you okay?”
“I will be.”